Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
