Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
