I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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