your room smells of hookers.
And success
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
