How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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