There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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