to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I FOUND THE LEGS
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
