i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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