I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
