Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
