did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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