Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
