i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
