i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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