I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
