i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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