I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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