You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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