my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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