i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
