im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
