Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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