Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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