The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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