the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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