I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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