So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
