his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
