He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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