Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
