My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
