If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
