im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
