It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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