Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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