I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
