Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
