Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
