Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
