So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
