Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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