apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
