I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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