I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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