What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
