would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
