I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
