At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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