They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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