Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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