I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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