I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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