Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
