Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
