the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
