She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
