I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
