Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
