in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
