Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
