Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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