I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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